Retirement Jokes
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55 Best Retirement Jokes

Enjoy some of the best retirement jokes below!

Best Jokes About Retirement

1. My wife and I have started aggressively planning for our retirement, and by that I mean we’re playing the lottery 3-5 times per week.

2. If the music’s too loud you’re too old.

3. I’ve learned that saying “oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative.

4. I love coffee. It’s Redbull for old people.

5. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

6. “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney

7. “In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.” – Mason Cooley

8. The company gave me an aptitude test and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.

9. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or punishment.” – Terri Guillemets

10. “I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.” – Bruce Grocott

11. “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde

12. “I think that retirement is the first step towards the grave.” – Hugh Hefner

13. “Often when you are at the end of something, you’re at the beginning of something else.” – Fred Rogers

14. “I need to retire from retirement.” – Sandra Day O’Connor

15. “Retirement is not in my vocabulary. They aren’t going to get rid of me that way.” – Betty White

16. What’s the difference between people and tin foil? Tin foil doesn’t wrinkle as it oldens.

17. To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid.

18. How can you tell that you’re getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

19. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me – they were cramming for their finals.

20. You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

21. When is a retiree’s bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

22. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

23. It’s better to pay full price than to admit you’re a senior citizen.

24. How many retirees to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day.

25. The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Retirees Laughing

26. Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

27. “I never had the sense that there was an end; that there was a retirement or that there was a jackpot.” – Leonard Cohen

28. “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” – Kitty O’Neill Collins

29. “You have to put off being young until you can retire.” – Unknown

30. “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” – Ella Harris

31. “I always likened retirement to falling off a cliff, and then you have to kind of brush yourself off.” – Steve Young

32. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” – Chi Chi Rodriguez

33. “Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I still had pimples.” – George Burns

34. “Except for the occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.” – Robert Benchley

35. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons

36. Children are the leading cause of old age.

37. Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy things only the young can enjoy.

38. Don’t mess with old people, life imprisonment is not that much of a deterrent anymore.

39. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

40. Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

41. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

42. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

43. “The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it.” – Doris Day

44. Sometimes the best part of your job is retirement.

45. Retirement: It’s not the end of your life, it’s the end of your bank account.

46. I hope you like Saturdays, because every day just became Saturday!

47. Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?

48. Retirement is like one big sick day without the sick pay.

49. When did being unemployed become something to brag about?

50. We all aspire to retire, and then what?

51. You’re retired – goodbye tension, hello pension!

52. What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!

53. The best part about being retired is never having to request time off.

54. Retirement: No job, no stress, no pay!

55. “God’s retirement plan is out of this world.” – Unknown

More Retirement Jokes:

One Liners

Retirement Quotes

Aging Quotes

Funny Aging Quotes

Lifestyle Quotes

Getting Older Quotes

Couple Enjoying Retirement

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